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Ask Athena: I Don't Want to Be a High-Maintenance Girlfriend

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Dear Athena,

I love giving blow jobs, but I also love having sex with my boyfriend. The problem is that I can't have an orgasm unless I'm masturbating. So, I usually give him a blow job and masturbate at the same time, so we can both come together. He really wants to make me have an orgasm during sex, but it just won't happen. It's all getting really stressful, and I don't even want to have sex at all now, 'cause I don't want to disappoint him or seem like I'm just some high-maintenance girl, you know? What can I do?

Signed,

Orgasm Mess

Dear Orgasm Mess,

The first thing you can do is stop being so hard on yourself! And if your boyfriend is being hard on you, the next item on your agenda is to get rid of him. Sex is about two willing individuals who want to get closer and have fun in the process. If it's not fun, why keep doing it with him?

For the record, this is not high-maintenance behavior you're describing. Please stop thinking of your sexual needs as such. Achieving orgasm can be a tricky combination of techniques and positions. Luckily, you've already found one surefire way to climax: masturbation. There may be other ways to get there, but it's time to take a deep breath and welcome some fun and curiosity into the bedroom, because pressure and stress are guaranteed libido buzzkills.

What positions haven't you explored yet? Try getting on top, where you can enjoy the view and — bonus! — touch yourself, too. Have you tried toys? If not, get some. Maybe you need more foreplay or lube. If his ego is bruised over not being able to make you orgasm during intercourse, he can try getting you there with oral sex instead.

Sure, getting off at the same time in the same way feels great — but it's not the only way to connect, share and experience pleasure. Explore. Be creative. Get outside your comfort zone. And relax about where you're going and how you'll get there. Otherwise, you'll miss all the joyful discoveries along the way.

Yours,

Athena