I started seeing a woman who is three years younger than me in April 2013. We hit it off great, and have great chemistry. We have been living together since July 2014. Everything is going great. We have a nice home. We have a group of friends that we do a lot of social things with. I have two sons, who both like her a lot. In fact, all of my friends think she is great — and great for me. She treats me like a king. I have no complaints, really.
The only issue is that I am finding I'm not very sexually attracted to her. She has gained a few pounds since we moved and sometimes has low energy. She also doesn't like to perform oral sex on me — something I really, really like; I'm a guy. When we do have sex, about three or four times a month, I find myself thinking of sexual conquests from my past, or even of women I come across now to whom I am sexually attracted. I feel guilty for feeling this way, and I sometimes choose masturbation over having sex with her.
I don't know if I love her the way a man should love a woman he lives with. I do care about her very much, and I don't want to hurt her. My quality of life has improved greatly since we have been together. But my desire to make love to her is diminishing. What should I do?
Dazed and Confused
Dear Dazed and Confused,
Wow. How awesome that you and your girlfriend share a nice home, that your friends — and, more importantly, your kids — like her, and that she treats you like a king.
But do this poor lady a favor and end it.
So she's gained a few pounds. So what? Is that why you're not attracted to her? If so, that's too bad. Do you look as good as when you first met her? Just checking.
Listen, it's common for the fire to die a little over time. Most couples start out heavy, but sexual attraction wanes and waxes as relationships progress. So you could work at it. You could find new ways to pleasure and romance each other to reignite that spark.
Does she like receiving oral? If she does, give it more often and see if she becomes more willing to reciprocate. Take her on a date somewhere she's been itching to go. Hold her hand while you walk down the street. These are great ways to bring back desire.
But if it's simply not there, these ideas won't help you. There's no magic trick to becoming sexually attracted if you're really not.
You wonder if you love her like you should, considering you live together. No. You don't. It sounds like she is a great friend and roommate, but not the person with whom you should be sharing your bed — and your life.
Bottom line: We all deserve to be cherished, and she isn't getting that. Would you like it if she were fantasizing about other men while making love to you? Wouldn't you feel rejected if she preferred her hand to your penis?
End it. You both deserve happiness, and this ain't it, honey.