I Can't Seem to Last Very Long in Bed | Ask Athena | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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I Can't Seem to Last Very Long in Bed


Dear Athena,

I can't seem to last very long in bed. I'm embarrassed. My girlfriend is being cool, but I think it's actually bothering her a lot. That makes it worse. For some reason I just lose it really fast, and then she hasn't had a chance to come. I'm not really into giving oral, so she doesn't get off in time. I feel bad that I orgasm and she doesn't. How can I improve here?


Gone Too Soon

Dear Gone,

If I had a bumper sticker, it would read, "Get out of your head."

I find myself saying this a lot, but it's true. When it comes to matters of the body, the mind has little business getting involved. Pay attention to your partner — not to the negative self-talk that gets in the way when you should be happily thrusting. Overthinking can be a major buzzkill.

Instead, start exercising. And I don't mean going to the gym, though that never hurts. I'm referring to exercising your penis. The muscles that stretch from the anus to your urinary sphincter will get stronger if you practice stopping the flow of pee each time you hit the john. The more you build this muscle, the easier it will be to control. Try it. As with any muscle-building exercise, the more consistent you are with your workout, the sooner you'll notice a difference.

When it comes to hitting the sheets, take your time with your partner. Pause after every few thrusts. Or try a couple of quicker thrusts with a handful of slow ones. If you're in a rush or you're busy jackhammering away, you're bound to lose it before you and your gal are ready.

So change it up. Maybe you're in a bit of sex rut. Focus on being adventurous; it'll help take your mind off of your quick ejaculations, and you'll discover some new moves that should bring you and your lady closer.

Like a good speech, good sex means focusing less on you and how you feel and more on your audience. Bring your awareness to her, to what makes her feel good and turns her on. It's another way of getting out of your head. Being in the moment and paying closer attention to her will also encourage you to be less self-conscious.

On that note, it would be a good idea to practice in the foreplay department. So you don't love giving oral — have you tried pleasing your lady with your fingers instead? She'll appreciate it, and there will be less pressure for you to perform when it comes to going all the way.

You're probably right that your current situation bothers her. Since she may not want to hurt your feelings by talking about it, you should be the one to bring it up. Issues left untended fester. Once this one's on the table, you can both brainstorm ways to make sex last longer — and be more satisfying.