How Do I Tell If My Relationship Is a Bad Fit or If I'm Afraid of Relationships? | Ask the Rev. | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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How Do I Tell If My Relationship Is a Bad Fit or If I'm Afraid of Relationships?


Published February 24, 2021 at 10:00 a.m.

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Dear Reverend,

My boyfriend is moving in with me next week. We've been together for two years now, and this is the first time we'll live in the same city. I love him, but my body is convinced I am making a mistake by dating him — everything feels uncomfortable when I think about staying with him long-term. My family thinks I'm repeating a pattern by dating avoidant people. I also am planning to move this year, because I really need a new job. So, is it dumb to stay in a relationship for a few more months to learn and practice emotional maturity? And how much of my trepidation could be due to never having lived with a partner before and never having been in this committed a relationship before? Am I scared of relationships, or is this relationship just not a good fit? How do I tell?

Hesitant Hannah (female, 31)

Dear Hesitant Hannah,

You've pretty much answered yourself in your third sentence. When you're about to be living with someone you truly love, every fiber of your being should be shouting, "Yippie! I'm so excited!" The fact that you feel physically uncomfortable when you consider being with this guy for the long haul means something is definitely amiss. If a relationship just feels wrong, you should listen to your gut and end it before it goes too far.

It seems to me that you might be the avoidant person in this equation. You say you love this guy and you're committed to him, but you're planning on leaving him shortly after he moves in with you. That doesn't make any sense. It's also just plain mean. If that's how you treat someone you love, I don't want to know what you do to people you don't like.

Your boyfriend is a human being, not your emotional maturity test subject. Before he moves in, you should be absolutely honest about how you're feeling and give him a chance to reconsider the cohabitation plan.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend

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