This week Scarlett answers two letters, each asking what to do when sex with your partner feels one-sided.
How do I get my wife to engage more in oral sex? I love simultaneous oral sex, but she doesn't go down! Should I protest? Sometimes you gotta take one for the team, you know? The only time she'll do it is when she wants something.
Mr. D.(male, 38)
I have been doing stuff with my boyfriend, and I'm usually not the type of girl to give a guy anything unless he gives me something first, because I don't like the thought of giving a guy pleasure and him not reciprocating it. Well, that's what my boyfriend has been doing. I will pleasure him to the point of orgasm, but when I want it, he complains and says it takes too long. If he does do it, it doesn't last long, and I have to finish myself. It's frustrating, and I don't know what to do.
Dear Mr. D and Unsatisfied,
If your partner does not want to engage in oral sex, don't push. Sex should never feel forced or transactional. That said, neither should it be one-sided, with you putting in all the effort and not getting the attention you deserve.
As with most matters, the best way to address this problem is to talk it through. Mr. D: If your wife truly does not enjoy oral sex, share with her what else turns you on. Together, you may discover fantasies or positions that bring both of you pleasure. Unsatisfied: If your boyfriend is just being lazy, and it sounds like he is, nudge him to put in some effort. If giving oral sex isn't his thing, discuss other ways he can make you feel good.
Sexual compatibility does not always come naturally, especially over the long term. But you don't need to stay stuck in feelings of disappointment and rejection. There are plenty of ways to stimulate a partner. Hit up a sex shop. Peruse the Kama Sutra. Get creative!