Scarlett Letters: How Do I Find a Woman to Take My Son's Virginity? | Scarlett Letters | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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Scarlett Letters: How Do I Find a Woman to Take My Son's Virginity?

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Dear Scarlett,

My son turns 18 today. He is a virgin. Where do I look to find a woman to take it from him?

Signed,

40-Year-Old Virgin?(male, 40)

Dear 40-Year-Old,

The answer is: You don't.

In many cultures, including our own, a young man's first time with a woman is viewed as a rite of passage. But that idea is based on antiquated, and even oppressive, views on what defines a "real man," including assumptions about sexual orientation.

By treating virginity as a disease that needs to be cured, you're reinforcing the stereotype that manhood is rooted in sexual prowess and only adding to your son's possible shame and anxiety about not having yet had sex. You're also perpetuating an age-old double standard: What if you had a daughter who just turned 18? Would you be writing to me asking how to score her a stud?

Your interference would also deprive your son of the experience of losing his virginity to a person he knows, cares about and desires — someone who taps into other important dimensions of adult relationships, such as intimacy, mutual regard and friendship.

Have you really thought through what an arranged encounter might be like for him? This is his first time, which means he's likely to remember it forever. His experience with the woman you choose could turn out to be fun, but it's more likely to be awkward and mechanical. Or worse, if you're considering paid sex — read: illegal prostitution — he could land in jail.

Your son may be ready to "lose it," but no one wants their parents to do their sexual matchmaking for them. If you really want to help him, try being supportive and giving him the space to do what real adults do: make his own choices.

Love,

Scarlett

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