I’m a 27-year-old female. I’ve had no problem orgasming by myself, with the use of my hands and some good erotic lit, for the last 14 years. I didn’t start having sex until my mid-20s. Since then, I feel like every partner has been disappointed with my inability to orgasm from their attempts, even though I’ve told them before and after that I really, really enjoy sex without an orgasm. I refuse to fake an orgasm, so how do I stop my elusive orgasm from hurting my sex life?
Come What May
Dear Come What May,
If you’ve ever visited the online dating site OK Cupid, you know that would-be daters are asked to answer a litany of questions to maximize the matchmaking. One of these probing questions asks users to agree or disagree with the following statement: “Orgasms are clearly the most important part of sex.”
Why ask such a question? Because the answer reveals a fundamental truth about the user. Some people focus solely on the end result, while others take maximum pleasure in the journey. It’s big-picture thinking versus taking the narrow view, and it’s important that both partners are on the same page. I’m not saying that one is better than the other, but I am saying that you should seek partners who share your point of view. You enjoy sex for sex’s sake, and your pleasure does not only come from orgasm. You deserve to have partners who can get down with that.
That said, I encourage you to put yourself in your partners’ shoes. No matter how much reassuring you do, your partners are likely to feel some sense of unease and inadequacy if you don’t come. Have you ever considered that you could have the best of both worlds? It is possible to give yourself an explosive orgasm in the presence of a partner. If you’re game, the next time you’re having sex, offer up a mutual masturbation session. Getting off in full view of your partner can be an intensely intimate and satisfying experience. You can also consider aiding and abetting your orgasm — many women can only come by lending a helping hand.
I’ve gotta hand it to you,
Fill out my online form.