ARIES (March 21-April 19): I have coined a new word just for your horoscope this week. It's "zex," short for "zen sex." Zex is a kind of sex in which your mind is at rest, empty of all thoughts. You breathe slowly and calmly, move slowly and calmly, grunt and moan slowly and calmly. You are completely detached from the sensual pleasure you are experiencing. You have no goals other than the intention to be free of all goals. Zex is the only variety of sex I recommend for you right now, Aries. APRIL FOOL! I lied. Zex may be fine to practice at any other time, but not these days. The style of sex you need most is exuberant, unbridled, expansive, and even zany.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In Somalia, there's a law that forbids you from putting your used chewing gum on your nose and walking around in public. Fortunately, you don't live there, so it's fine if you want to do that. In fact, I encourage you to go right ahead. To do so would be right in alignment with the cosmic omens. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You should definitely not take yourself too seriously this week; you should look for opportunities to playfully lose your dignity and razz the status quo. But there are craftier ways to do that than by sticking gum on your nose.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Tata Massage is a salon in San Francisco that provides an unusual beauty treatment: face-slapping. The Thai masseuse named Tata claims to be improving your complexion as she smacks your cheeks and forehead with her hands. She also does "massage boxing," in which she administers health-giving punches to your body with her fists. Is there a comparable service available where you live? I highly recommend it. APRIL FOOL! I lied. Here's the truth: You should be absolutely firm that you won't tolerate whacks and wallops — including the psychological kind — even if they are supposedly good for you.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Now would be an excellent time to launch a new tradition or instigate a fresh trend or make a beautiful thing that will last for a thousand years. I'm talking about an amazing marvel or useful innovation or unique creation that will improve the lives of countless humans all over the planet for the next 40 generations. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating a bit. Producing something that will last a thousand years is too ambitious. How about if you simply launch a new tradition or instigate a fresh trend or create a beautiful thing that will last for the rest of your long life — an amazing marvel or useful innovation or unique creation that will continue to teach and amuse you all along the way?
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your patron saint for the next three months is surrealistic artist Salvador Dalí. Regard him as your muse and role model. In fact, you might want to spout some of his famous declarations as if they were your own. Start with these: 1. "The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad." 2. "I do not take drugs; I am drugs." 3. "Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature." 4. "Have no fear of perfection. You'll never reach it." APRIL FOOL! I lied. Salvador Dalí is your patron saint, role model and muse for only the next 14 days, not three months.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You know how Jesus could supposedly turn water into wine? Well, St. Brigit, a sixth-century Irish nun, was legendary for an even greater miracle. When visitors came to her monastery in Kildare, she changed her old bathwater into beer for them to drink. I think there's a good chance you will develop that precise talent sometime soon. APRIL FOOL! I kind of lied. You won't really possess St. Brigit's supernatural power. However, you will have an uncanny ability to make transmutations that are almost as dramatic as changing bathwater to beer.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The band Rush was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last May. Guitarist Alex Lifeson delivered an unusual acceptance speech. For the two minutes he spoke, he repeated one word endlessly: "blah." "Blah-blah-blah," he began. "Blah-blah-blah blah-blah blah-blah." Many hand gestures and shifting vocal inflections accompanied his rap, always in support of variations on "blah-blah." This is the spirit you should bring to all of your important conversations in the coming week. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, the opposite is true. It's crucial for you to speak very precisely and articulately in the coming week. Say exactly what you mean. Don't rely on meaningless bullshit like "blah-blah."
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): When a human embryo begins to develop in the womb, the very first body part that appears is — can you guess? — the anus. This scientific fact led the witty commentators at QI.com to declare that "Every human being starts out as an asshole." They were making a joke, of course, hinting that every one of us has an unattractive quality or two that make us at least a little bit of a jerk. That's the bad news, Scorpio. The good news is that you now have an unprecedented chance to transform the asshole aspects of your personality. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You're not an asshole, not even a little bit. But it is true that the coming weeks will be an excellent time to try to fix or at least modulate your least attractive qualities.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): To be in strict compliance with cosmic necessity, you should attend a party every day in the coming week. Dance ecstatically, make love abundantly and expose yourself to previously unknown pleasures. Feast on a wide variety of food and drink that introduces you to novel tastes. Make sure you experience record levels of sensual enjoyment, nonstop excitement and dynamic socializing. APRIL FOOL! I'm exaggerating, although just a little. Try doing a 70-percent version of what I advised.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Lifehacker.com has a step-by-step guide to set up your home as a command center where you can pursue your plans for world domination. The article provides advice on how to build a surveillance system, encrypt your computer files, and prepare for black-outs and weather emergencies. Do it, Capricorn! Get the lowdown at bit.ly/secretlair. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You don't really need to create a high-tech fortress. But you would be wise to make your home into more of an ultracomfortable, super-inspiring sanctuary — a place where you feel so safe and strong and smart that you will always have total power over yourself, and never feel driven to fulfill anyone else's standards of success but your own.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The planetary omens suggest that you need to experience all possible flavors of Doritos corn chips. Here's the problem: The place where you live offers only a limited range. That's why I urge you to drop everything and travel to Japan, which is the world leader in Dorito variety. There you can sample coconut curry-flavored Doritos, along with fried chicken, corn soup, smoked bacon, tuna and mayonnaise, and many others. Buy your plane ticket now! APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, you will benefit from communing with a wide variety of sensations and experiences and ideas in many areas of your life, not just Doritos.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): According to a survey by Public Policy Polling, 4 percent of the population believes that "shape-shifting reptilian people control our world by taking on human form and gaining political power to manipulate our societies." My own research suggests that 62 percent of those believers are Pisceans. Are you one? If so, now is a good time to intensify your fight against the shape-shifting reptilian people. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, I strongly encourage you not to feed your paranoid delusions and fearful reveries. This should be a time when you bolster your positive fantasies, constructive visions, and inspiring dreams.