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Dear Mistress Maeve,

I enjoy anal sex, but my girlfriend and I haven’t had it yet after almost a year together. She says she is interested — and she has had it once before with a past sexual partner — but so far she doesn’t seem open to it. I’m not taking it personally, but I do want to share this experience with her. What can I do to bring her over to my side? I want her to know it can be a positive experience that we can both enjoy.


Behind the Times

Dear Behind the Times,

It sounds like you have the right attitude — anal sex can be a positive, pleasurable experience for a couple to share, so long as both partners are into it. But I’m confused. You say she’s interested in anal, but in the next breath say she doesn’t seem open to it. So which is it? She could be trying to pacify you by appearing to be agreeable to anal, but secretly hoping you’ll forget about the venture. Or, she could simply be blissfully happy with your current sex life and not in a rush to shake things up. Either way, if you’ve been waiting for her to bend over and beg you to stick it in, you might be waiting a long time.

Have a clarifying conversation with your girlfriend and get to the bottom of the holdup. Sometimes women (and men) have trepidation when it comes to anal. They worry it will hurt; they worry it will be messy; they just plain worry. If she’s open but nervous, suggest some collaborative learning. Pick up a how-to guide — I suggest The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Taormino. Read up on tips and tricks for ensuring everyone has a good time (start small, use lots of lube and keep some wet wipes close by).

On the other hand, if she has changed her mind and is no longer interested in sharing her assets, you’ll have to honor her wishes. Anal isn’t for everyone, and you’ll have to get behind that (because you won’t be getting behind your girlfriend).

Bottoming out,


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