Everything's Amazing With My Wife, But the Sex Has Stopped | Ask Athena | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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Everything's Amazing With My Wife, But the Sex Has Stopped


Published September 7, 2016 at 10:00 a.m.

Hi Athena,

I have been with my wife for almost 17 years. Everything is amazing except one thing: The sex has stopped. I get it about two times a month if I'm lucky. So pissed off right now. What can I do? I tried taking her out for dinner, nice gifts ... Nothing is working. Please help me.


Horny and Pissed Off

Dear Horny and Pissed,

Listen, pal. I know you're feeling neglected and hankering for some hanky-panky — but "pissed off"? That's pretty insensitive. I hope you're not acting like an angry ass to get your wife into bed. If you are, no wonder your attempts to seduce her aren't working.

Good for you for getting her gifts and taking her out, but so what? Do you think that makes you a Don Juan with a penis of gold? Not a chance. You know why? Because taking your wife of 17 amazing years to dinner every once in a while doesn't entitle you to sex. She has to want it, too. Hate to break it to you, but she may just not want to with you right now. Here's a tip: Ask her about it!

She's your wife. The person you've been sharing a bed with — a life with — for a long time. I should hope you two can sit down over coffee and toast, or after one of these nice dinner dates you're taking her on, and just talk. Tell her you're confused about your sex situation and don't know what to do. Tell her you miss her. And you miss sex. Open up to her, and she will likely open up to you — assuming she knows what's up with her. If she's not sure, then be there for her as she figures it out.

You have no idea what's at the source of this distance. Instead of getting angry about it, cool down and consider her position. If her answers or feelings are hard for you to hear, be brave and kind and you will surely figure it out together. Talk and heal, and closeness may be possible again. But nothing's going to change until you have that much-needed conversation.