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Deal Breaker?

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Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have been with my son's father for roughly three years. In the beginning, the sex was OK, but now it's nothing. He is not willing to try new things because he says I'm not a slut like that. Hello! I like kinky stuff! When he does decide to have sex, he initiates it after we're in bed sleeping. Plus, it's always the same routine.

If I try to take the reins, then I'm doing all the work and the sex still sucks! Yes, I have many times talked to him about this. I know he's sexually confident; that's not the issue. But, with strange things happening for some time now, such as him leaving for work at odd times and making excuses that don't add up, I'm wondering if there may be another woman. I even suggested therapy, but he's not willing to do that, either.

Signed,

Helpless

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Dear Helpless,

As with any other relationship issue, you have to decide whether your breakdown in the bedroom is a "deal breaker." If an unsatisfying sex life is something you simply can't live with — and who would want to? — you've got some work to do.

You may have talked about your intimacy woes in the past, but have you set up reasonable consequences for further inaction on his part? In a calm yet firm manner, explain to him that a healthy and fulfilling sex life is of utmost importance to you. And, as difficult as it may be for you to say and for him to hear, you must tell him that you are unsatisfied. Assure him that you're willing to work just as hard to fix these problems, but tell him he needs to meet you halfway.

Request that he start by initiating sex at a time of day that works for you, not once you've already fallen asleep. Further, ask that he not use any version of the word "slut" when referring to the sexual acts you'd like to try — it's demeaning and close-minded. Instead, ask him to consider a few scenarios you suggest and choose one to try. In return, find out what you can do to enhance his sexual experience.

While you're being honest, ask him about his inconsistencies. The only way you're going to clear the air about any indiscretions is to be direct and ask the tough questions. See how he reacts, and always trust your gut. If you don't trust him, you've got bigger issues…

xoxo,

MM

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