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Counting Sperm

Mistress Maeve: Your gracious guide to love and lust...


Dear Mistress,

Since my partner and I aren’t monogamous, we’re still using condoms. He does this thing where, after he comes and takes the condom off, he looks to see how much he ejaculated. Sometimes, if it is a small amount, he looks disappointed, and sometimes he looks very pleased with himself after a particularly large load.

To be honest, I find it rather distasteful. Like, is that what’s important here? I thought being intimate was the prize, not the amount of sperm he can produce. Why is this important to him, and do other men do this?



Dear Overloaded,

Kudos to you for playing it safe while you’re not monogamous — though it sounds like your guy is fond of using condoms for their sperm-measuring capabilities. I’ve talked about this before — I believe your boyfriend has fallen victim to the “Porn Star Effect.” Men are not immune to cultural messaging, and they often feel they need to measure up to what they see in mainstream porn.

Men who are paid to ejaculate on film tend to release a large load of sperm with the consistency and color of vanilla pudding, making men who release semen in smaller amounts with a thinner consistency feel inferior. In reality, the color and consistency of ejaculate is not directly related to its potency.

I encourage you to talk with him about his obsession with spooge. Do your best to leave any trace of judgment out of the conversation and simply ask why he examines the condom after he comes. If he’s concerned about his ejaculate as it relates to reproductive health or sexual function, encourage him to have a chat with his doctor — it may assuage his fears. However, if he’s preoccupied only with achieving porn-style jism, you have my full permission to tell him he’s being a little ridiculous and insensitive. If he has to examine his specimen, he can at least have the decency to do it in private.

Locked and loaded,


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