ARIES (March 21-Apr. 19):
Sabotage all attempts at cooperation. Resist acts of unification. No matter what, refuse to forgive anyone. Your role models should be the Israeli rabbis who prayed for the failure of February's peace summit between prime minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas. APRIL FOOL! I was just kidding, of course. Don't you dare pray for continued dissonance, even if it seems to serve your short-range interests. It may not be obvious yet, but you're on the cusp of a breakthrough in your ability to blend your energies with others. You shouldn't let anything get in the way.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20):
The mummified middle finger of Galileo's right hand is on display at a museum in Florence, Italy. I propose that you regard it as your sacred power object in the coming week. May it inspire you to flip the bird at everyone who crosses you. APRIL FOOL! While I do think you should derive inspiration from Galileo's middle finger, you should do so only at truly important moments. Not to express road rage, for God's sake; not to express disdain toward loudmouths using cell phones. Please, Taurus, flip a metaphorical bird only to protest the kind of high-level idiocy Galileo had to endure when the Church persecuted him for proving that the Earth revolves around the sun.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
To quote Malcolm X, you've been hoodwinked. You've been had. You've been lead astray. You've been bamboozled. Wake up and smell the deceit before it's too late, Gemini. APRIL FOOL! What I just said is a complete lie. Here's your real horoscope: You're actually very well-armed against illusion and delusion. At no other time in your life have you been less likely to get fooled or ripped off or manipulated. You have a sixth sense that allows you to sniff out hidden agendas that simmer beneath the official stories. This wonderful development is the result of your growing determination to be honest with yourself.
CANCER (June 21-July 22):
Several New Age futurists have predicted that the U.S. will someday have a Secretary of Prophecy, a cabinet-level official who uses shamanic insight to counsel the president on the health of the nation's soul. Personally, though, I can't imagine it will happen any time soon. And that's too bad, because I'm perfect for the job. My psychic powers are growing, as are my political skills, my practical compassion, and my vision of how to do what's best for the most people. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just bragged about is as true about you as it is about me. We Crabs are in an astrological phase when many of us are becoming better equipped to serve as intuitive advisers to the powers-that-be. In fact, I suggest you start pushing for more responsibility and clout.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
It would be a good week for you to obtain a burglar alarm, self-defense pepper spray and a psychic protection amulet advertised in the back of a tabloid. You should obsess on making yourself ultra-secure and absolutely safe. APRIL FOOL! I was just testing to see how gullible you are to the media's compulsive fear-mongering. The truth is, Leo, you're in a phase when you should expand your sense of adventure and increase your willingness to take smart risks. Instead of the burglar alarm, pepper spray and amulet, why don't you get yourself something like a rope ladder, crocodile spear and camel saddle?
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Renowned psychic Victoria Bullis is working on a cookbook filled with recipes she's channeling from dead celebrities, including Chris Farley, Princess Diana and John F. Kennedy. Since you also have a talent for this kind of work right now, you might want to contact her and communicate your research. She's at www.victoriabullis.com. APRIL FOOL! While it's true that you have more access than usual to departed spirits, I suggest you use this privilege wisely -- certainly not by seeking recipes from formerly famous people you never knew. Instead, seek help and insight from loved ones and friends you trusted while they were alive.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Remember that moment some time back when you buried your tear-stained face in your pillow and begged God to please send you your soul mate? I hate to say it, Libra, but I believe it's possible that God may have heard you incorrectly, thinking you said "cell mate" instead of "soul mate." That's the bad news. The good news is that it's an ideal time to fix that misunderstanding. I suggest you summon the same desperate longing that launched your prayer way back when, only this time clearly enunciate the words "soul mate." APRIL FOOL! God can read your mind, and always knows what you mean -- if, that is, you know what you mean. Do you? This is a perfect time to figure out exactly what it is you really want in an intimate relationship.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
It's illegal to hunt whales in landlocked Utah, ride a bike in a swimming pool in California, and walk on your hands while crossing a street in Hartford, Connecticut. You risk arrest in Nova Scotia if you water a lawn while it's raining, and could be thrown in jail for eating ice cream on Sunday while on Ottawa's Bank Street. I recommend that you research all the similarly dumb laws that are on the books in your part of the world, and systematically break them. APRIL FOOL! You've got better revolts to attend to than that, Scorpio. Don't waste your time rebelling against irrelevant laws that few people know about. Direct your dissent at dumb rules that are truly hurtful.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
More than half of the people polled say they would keep their jobs if they won the lottery. You yourself may have to make that decision soon, Sagittarius. Will being a millionaire cause you to completely renounce your current way of life? I hope not. APRIL FOOL! I am NOT, in fact, predicting you will win the lottery. However, it's quite possible that you'll be blessed with some other stroke of luck that will tempt you to leave behind familiar things that helped put you where you are today. Be thoughtful about how you navigate your way through the changes caused by your good fortune.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
The information produced in the world every year would fill 37,000 Library of Congresses. Unfortunately, you haven't been keeping up very well. If you know what's good for you, you'll dramatically increase your uptake of raw data. Read more newspapers and magazines, please. Spend more time surfing the Web. Watch more TV. APRIL FOOL! Ninety-nine point 99 percent of all that raw data is useless, meaningless, and corrupted with half-truth. In fact, to best serve your mental health you should get a high-quality Bullshit Detector. Either that, or invite more silence into your life.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
You seriously need to subscribe to Lucky magazine or the Robb Report or some other glossy rag about shopping. Your consumer skills have deteriorated. You're becoming hopelessly inept at finding luxury items at bargain prices. Shape up, Aquarius. APRIL FOOL! The truth is that it's an excellent time for you to take a sabbatical from consumerism. See if you can go entire days without spending any money at all. Build psychic barriers in your imagination that will make you immune to seductive commercials. Read Adbusters magazine.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
You're about to enter a phase that will resemble Bizarro World, the fictional realm in Superman comics. It's a cube-shaped planet where everything is the opposite of life on Earth: Stupidity is revered, hypocrisy is routine, and nothing's regarded as true unless it's ugly. APRIL FOOL! The conditions I just described as characteristic of Bizarro World are actually pretty close to the values that prevail here on our planet. So while it's true that you'll be in a phase when everything's the reverse of normal life, that will be a very good thing. Compassionate intelligence will be revered. Many people will be painstakingly consistent in serving their high principles. Truth and beauty will often be found in the same place. Have fun!