Dear Mistress,

I’m in the best relationship of my life, and the sex is awesome and plentiful. The thing is, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to get off outside of masturbation. I have orgasmed with him, but not nearly as much as he thinks. I started faking it with guys a couple of lovers ago — I didn’t want them to feel slighted when I couldn’t come.

I enjoy sex — love it, actually. I enjoy it with or without orgasms. However, I have had relationships in the past where I could come every time, and that just hasn’t been the case these last few years. I’m a woman in my late forties, and I’m wondering if that has something to do with it. Have I masturbated too much? I can’t tell my current lover. I’m afraid it would spawn a major trust issue (that I probably deserve).

Signed,

Come to My Senses

Dear CTMS,

You didn’t want the guys to feel slighted, but who were you really slighting? In the end, faking orgasms hurts you the most, and now you’re stuck between an orgasm and a hard place.

You didn’t break your vagina by masturbating too much, but you should talk to your doctor if you’re experiencing a sharp decline in sexual function. Getting older means a drop in hormone levels that can lead to decreased sex drive or vaginal dryness — not exactly a recipe for multiple orgasms. Talk it through with your lady-doc and see if you gain any insights. In the meantime, it’s time to get real with your man.

I normally advocate for all-out honesty, but in this instance, I advise taking a more roundabout approach. Telling your boyfriend that you’ve been faking it could give him a serious case of performance anxiety and derail your sex life. Rather, pledge to be truthful from here on out. If you know you’re not going to orgasm, gently stop the action and let him know you’re not getting there. Sure, it might bruise his ego and cause some awkward moments, but being honest with him will increase intimacy — and that just might cause more orgasms. In these instances, consider lending a helping hand to propel you over the edge — stimulating yourself during sex can lead to explosive climaxing.

Getting to an honest place with your boyfriend and doctor is the key here — being truthful might just be the sexiest thing you’ve ever done.

Honestly,

mm

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