The Parmelee Post: AG Sessions Rescinds Threat After Reviewing Vermont Hate Crime Data | Humor | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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The Parmelee Post: AG Sessions Rescinds Threat After Reviewing Vermont Hate Crime Data


Published November 17, 2017 at 4:15 p.m.

  • U.S. MARSHALS SERVICE | Bryan Parmelee
In a stunning reversal, U.S. Attorney General and self-sufficient ventriloquist dummy Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III has rescinded a threat to cut federal grants for both Vermont and Burlington over their “sanctuary” immigration policies.

“I owe the Green Mountain State an apology,” the nation’s highest-ranking law officer and Confederate general caricature said in a written statement. “I must admit that when I hear 'Vermont' I think, Bernie Sanders and the War of Northern Aggression. But it turns out we have much more in common than I previously thought.”

Sessions was referring to statistics released by the F.B.I. that showed hate crimes in Vermont tripled in 2016.

“Obviously, the real reason I threatened so-called sanctuary jurisdictions is because I want anyone who could possibly be mistaken for an undocumented immigrant to live in a constant state of fear and uncertainty,” the part-time Foghorn Leghorn impersonator continued. “According to the data, Vermont is already well on its way to achieving exactly that.”

State officials welcomed the abrupt turnaround with a sigh of relief.

“His reasoning may be abhorrent, but the last thing this state needs is an unapologetically racist uncle peering over its shoulder,” said a spokesperson for the state. “Obviously the attorney general’s energy would be better spent trying to remember colluding with the Russian government and who the KKK are.”

To his credit, comic book villain and Django Unchained antagonist Sessions also seemed relieved.

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to convince Americans to be afraid of immigrants when a white man just committed the deadliest mass shooting in modern American history?” he asked. “It’s hard enough convincing them that guns don’t make it substantially easier to injure more than 500 people in a matter of minutes.”

Not everyone was relieved to hear Sessions was backing down on his threats, however.

“Federal law is federal law, and Vermont and Burlington need to do what they’re told,” said Braxton Pickett, a staunch advocate for states' rights until it comes to the nonwhites. “I don’t care that the Justice Department letter actually cited an older version of a law. Outdated laws are still the law of the land if you refuse to recognize progress!”

Both the City of Burlington and the State of Vermont sent letters to the Justice Department thanking Attorney General and untreatable tumor Sessions for being slightly less of a douchebag for at least a day.

In a second written statement, Sessions responding by saying, “I simply do not recall sending any letters to any states or cities whatsoever.”

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