Dear Mistress,

I’ve been curious about water sports. I fantasize about peeing on my boyfriend, possibly in the shower or at the beach (private beach, of course). My boyfriend was a little apprehensive at first, but he’s willing to try it. For our first time, I want to make sure we have a good experience. I hear that there are foods I can eat to make my pee smell nice. I know that asparagus is a no-no, but what can I eat that might help?

Signed,

Golden Boy

Dear Golden Boy,

Kudos to you and your boyfriend for exploring golden showers. Some people don’t realize how sensual and intimate pee play can be. It’s admirable that you want your urine to be as alluring as possible for your first interlude.

You’re right — unless your partner really likes his greens, you’ll want to stay away from asparagus, which can give urine a noticeable odor and distinctly green hue. That said, you might consider becoming a vegetarian, as diets higher in protein can lead to more pungent piss. You might also choose an herbal tea over a cup of coffee — too much java can leave you dehydrated with thicker, riper tinkle.

Some piss pros claim that the artificial sweeteners found in diet beverages can give urine a sweet smell and taste — but let’s get real: Just because you drink a diet cola doesn’t mean your pee is going to taste like honey. Piss is piss, and the only thing you can do to temper the aroma is drink lots of fluids. The more hydrated you are, the more diluted and light in color your pee will be. Make sure you’re getting plenty of water and add organic cranberry juice to your daily fluid intake. The healthier you keep your kidneys, the healthier your pee-friendly sex life will be.

Stay Gold,

mm