Curses, Foiled Again

Ontario resident Kai Xu was charged with smuggling after border agents at the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel discovered more than 50 turtles strapped to his body and hidden between his legs. Acting on a tip about a large box sent from Alabama to a Detroit postal center addressed to Xu, U.S. authorities staked it out until Xu arrived to claim his package. He then concealed the turtles under his clothing, but Canadian authorities found them after stopping him in Windsor as soon as he recrossed the border. (Detroit News)

Authorities arrested Deborah Asher, 37, in Laurel County, Ky., for drug possession and trafficking after she attracted their attention by wearing a shirt with the slogan "I love crystal meth." (Associated Press)

Slightest Provocation

A 68-year-old man accused his 17-year-old daughter of cheating while playing Battleship and broke the game, according to authorities in Utah County, Utah. They argued, and when the girl tried to leave their trailer home, her father dragged her back by her hair and pointed a loaded rifle at her head. She managed to call 911 on her cellphone, whose GPS signal led authorities to her location. (Associated Press)

Police arrested James E. Irving Jr., 44, in Gainesville, Fla., for poking his girlfriend in the eye "to express his disdain" because she served him waffles for his birthday breakfast instead of the pancakes he wanted. Police sent Irving to the Alachua County, Fla., jail, which the next morning, sheriff's Sgt. Becky Butscher said, served fruit, grits, sausage, bread and butter. (Gainesville Sun)

Jack-Lyn Blake, 47, stabbed her boyfriend in the chest with a dinner knife, according to police in Wilkes-Barre, Pa., because she got angry that he started eating Thanksgiving dinner without her while she was taking a nap after getting drunk earlier in the day. (Smoking Gun)

Bad Business

Companies named Isis are complaining the Islamic militant group ISIS (an acronym for Islamic State of Iraq and Syria) is hurting their business. The name is part of more than 270 registered product, service or business names, according to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. Explaining that his Isis Collection, which makes weaves, wigs and hairpieces, is named for the Egyptian goddess, New Jersey's Phillip Shin declared he has "lost all the benefit of the brand image," and wishes the U.S. and European media would stop referring to the militants as ISIS. Aeran Brent of Southern California's Isis Bridal and Formal said she's tired of visitors photographing the store's sign. "I get what's going on, but can you see it's a store?" she said, adding she wants to change the name.  (Associated Press)

One More for the Road

Responding to a report of a woman who "appeared out of it," a sheriff's deputy found France Riney, 60, sitting in a parked car in Port St. Lucie County, Fla. "I asked Riney for her driver's license," the deputy stated in an affidavit. "She handed me a bag of chips and dropped them on the ground outside her vehicle. I asked her again, and she handed me a bottle of water. When I told her she was giving me a bottle of water, she put it down, picked up a bottle of vodka and took a drink from it." She then declared she'd had "enough" to drink. Even though the car wasn't running, she was charged with driving under the influence. (Orlando Sentinel)

Don't Quit Your Day Job

Finland's Ismo Leikola won $10,000 in the first Funniest Person in the World competition, held in Las Vegas and streamed online, outscoring runner-up Saad Haroon of Pakistan by 99,732 votes. "Countries don't owe money to each other; countries owe money to banks," the rotund gagster told the audience. "If the countries owe money to banks, how stupid are the countries to pay? Like, the country has an army. The bank has four cashiers and a cleaning lady." (Associated Press)