Dear Athena,

My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for five. We're still very much in love and crazy about each other, and I'm super-grateful for that. And we both like to have fun in bed and playfully experiment together.

But there is one big obstacle to our sex life. The only way my husband seems to be able to have intercourse is from behind, doggie-style. Every time we try face-to-face (either missionary or me on top), or any other position, he loses his erection, and it's game over. We're very hot and heavy right up until it's time for penetration. Intercourse was always my favorite part of sex, but now it's a letdown and often leaves me feeling sad.

This from-behind position is not sexually satisfying for me (no G-spot stimulation). With previous partners, I've been able to come quite easily from face-to-face intercourse. But he loses his erection in seconds, never long enough for me to even get started.

In the early days, I worried that he was losing it because he had to look at me! But it happens even when the room is pitch-dark. He says he doesn't feel like he can get deep enough face-to-face for sex to be satisfying for him and to retain an erection. This has always been a problem, but in our first couple of years together, it did work every once in a while. But since he went through a period of depression four to five years back, it doesn't happen at all anymore.

We've tried devices such as the We-Vibe, but they are little help from behind. And if we could do face-to-face, I wouldn't need them. He's tried pills, cock rings and other aids. They're absolutely no help when we face each other. Nothing seems to help.

Signed,

In Love but Sad and Unsatisfied

Dear Unsatisfied,

With the exception of my mother's chocolate cake, there is no single right way to do anything. Doing the same thing every time — especially sex — gets old fast. Like everything else in a marriage, your sex life requires part effortless love, part work.

Have you told your husband how sex these days makes you feel? That your love is strong, but your sexual bond is slipping away? If he doesn't feel moved to make a change after you tell him the hard truth, then check his pulse.

I think there is some anxiety at play here, indicative of a greater emotional or physical challenge. He's already decided that doggie-style is the only way he can maintain an erection, so why would he risk doing it any other way?

It's time to break the cycle. He needs to talk to a sex therapist or a doctor to get to the bottom of this. Maybe he really doesn't know what's wrong, or maybe he's afraid to share it with you.

And you should be prepared to put in more effort, too. Marriage is about evolving with someone, choosing to manage life's ups and downs as a team. Together you must acknowledge the need for change, accept the challenge and bridge the gap between you. Yes, it's work. But you love each other, so anything is possible. Good luck!

Yours,

Athena