Dear Mistress,

I am 23-year-old woman who started having sex in high school. I’ve had boyfriends (nothing too serious, though), and I think they’ve all been happy with me sexually. The problem is, I don’t orgasm. Guys have fingered and gone down on me. I’ve had sex for what seems like hours, but I’ve never had one of those magical orgasms I read about. Meanwhile, the men I sleep with get off like it’s nothing. Is there something wrong with me? Is my clit broken? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex. I would just like to know what it feels like to come.

Signed,

Waiting My Turn

Dear Waiting,

Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. For dudes, orgasming is about as easy as counting to 10 (most of the time). For women, it’s a more complex undertaking, where both physical precision and emotional wherewithal must be in sync.

Are you able to orgasm from masturbating? If not, or if you’ve never tried, this is an amazing place to start. Listen to me when I tell you: If you don’t know what makes you come, you can’t expect others to magically know. Schedule some time with yourself and really assess what makes you tick — is it clitoral stimulation, vaginal or both? I know women who can’t come unless both their vagina and clit are being stimulated. It’s possible you simply haven’t found your winning combination yet. Invest in a vibrator and see what happens. Watch some porn and see if that elevates your arousal. Above all else, this journey to self pleasure should be fun, fun, fun!

Once you know what works for you, be ready to share your findings with your partners. A mind-blowing lady orgasm takes lots of communication — and any guy worth your time will be all too happy to listen.

Get to work,

MM