I'm Uncomfortable With My Partner's Rape Fantasy | Ask the Rev. | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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I'm Uncomfortable With My Partner's Rape Fantasy


Published September 30, 2020 at 10:00 a.m.
Updated September 30, 2020 at 10:41 a.m.

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Dear Reverend, 

The woman I'm currently dating wants me to help fulfill her rape fantasy. I'm all for getting a little wild, but I'm a gentle guy and I'm not comfortable with the idea of acting out sexual violence. I'm also a lot bigger than she is, and I'm worried I might accidentally hurt her. How can I give her what she wants without feeling like an asshole?

Mr. Nice Guy (male, 28)

Dear Mr. Nice Guy, 

"Consensual rape" might be the biggest oxymoron in the universe. Obviously, rape is a crime, and no one actually wants to be attacked this way. But forced sex is a very common erotic fantasy. If you were raised right, it's no surprise the idea rubs you the wrong way. Perhaps it would make you feel better if you didn't refer to it as a "rape fantasy" but rather considered it good old-fashioned dominant/submissive play. 

You should never do anything sexual that makes you truly uncomfortable. If it's really not something you're down with, your lady friend should understand. However, it sounds like you might be willing to give it a shot. You can start out slow and learn what she likes and get to know her — and your — limits. 

There's a great piece on the Slut Lessons website that covers pretty much everything you need to know about this sort of thing. Go to slutlessons.wordpress.com and search "Rape Fantasy: How to Carry It Out Safely."

Before getting started, it's very important that you two agree on a safe word. Make it something more unique than "no" or "stop," and make it memorable. If either of you feels that things are going too far, use it. You may also want to have a nonverbal gesture. If either of you uses the safe word or gesture, the action comes to a halt, no questions asked.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend

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