• Dreamstime

Dear Reverend, 

I was wondering how I can go about telling my wife that I have been taking female hormones for the past four months. I was thinking of just letting her see my breasts under a low-cut sweater. I have told her for years that I wanted to be a woman and I dress as one every single day, but she just calls me a fag and a queer. We share a house but have our own private bedrooms. She has her boyfriends, and I have mine. I find it very difficult to talk to her. What do you suggest?

Never After, Female, 61

Dear Never After, 

It's not all that unusual for a couple to stay together when one partner transitions, but that requires a very strong relationship with a lot of love and trust. It doesn't sound like the two of you currently have anything close to that.

I don't know why you would remain married to someone you can't be absolutely honest with and who calls you names, but you must have your reasons. If there is any hope of salvaging your relationship — even if you just want to be friends — it's going to require a whole lot of work. You probably should have contacted a counselor a long time ago, but if not, there's no time like the present. You can find a list of Vermont therapists in the Psychology Today directory.

The two of you have basically already separated. Living together with all this animosity is creating a toxic atmosphere in your home. Perhaps it would be best for all involved if you part ways for real and move on with your lives.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend