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Confused Dreamer

Mistress Maeve: Your guide to love and lust...


Published September 14, 2011 at 11:44 a.m.

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I am 21 years old, and I got married when I was 19. I love my wife, but for about a year now, we have gotten into countless arguments. I love her a lot (she actually took my virginity), but everyone is saying I got married too young. I think everyone might be right because, well, I have cheated on her a couple of times — only with men. I don’t always want men, but I have dreams about them, most recently about a mutual friend of ours who I had a crush on prior to being married. I don’t know if I’m just being overly dramatic, or if this is the final sign saying I should divorce my wife. I love her, but there are too many problems.


Confused Dreamer

Dear Confused Dreamer,

I’m not going to sugarcoat this — you’ve got some serious stuff to figure out, and it’s not going to be easy. Each person is different and travels a unique path, so I won’t say unequivocally that you got married too young, but it’s a safe bet. You’re clearly still figuring out your desires, and that’s very difficult to do with a ring on your finger.

You need to think about what you truly want out of a relationship and out of life. If you feel confused, it’s best to seek counseling, preferably from a reputable, gay-friendly therapist who will not judge you or steer you in any particular direction. Being that you’re 21, you can still seek the free services of Outright Vermont, an organization that offers a supportive and empowering environment for queer and questioning youth (visit them at

Most importantly, remember that you’re not alone: Many people have ever-evolving relationships with sexuality, and countless people have troubled marriages. At this point, your main objective should be to maintain honesty and integrity — no more lying and no more cheating while you figure out your next move.



Speaking of Sex,