by Dan Bolles
*ring-ring. ring-ring* (click)
"Yes, this is John."
"John, it's Theo. Theo Epstein."
"Oh, Theo. Hey, listen. About last night. I …
"John, John. It's OK. Don't worry about it."
"Really? Because I thou …"
"Look.I just thought you should hear this from me first. We're working on awaiver trade that would send you to the Brooklyn Cyclones for a hamsandwich and a bag of doorknobs."
"Wow. Well, I guess that seems reasonable under the circumstances. But I was kind of hoping …"
"It's a small bag."
"Yeah … Um, I just wanted to, er, "thank you" for your services. And I hope you enjoyed your stay with the Boston Red Sox."
"Well, thanks for the opportunity, Theo."
"We'll see you in Cooperstown in a few years, buddy. Oh, and do you happen to have Tom Glavine's number?"
The preceding was a conversation I imagine to have taken place at some point after the bottom of the fourth inning of Red Sox pitcher John Smoltz's "Breakdown in the Bronx" at the hands of the hated New York Yankees last night. Ughhh.
With a huge 4-game Sox-Yanksseries underway, regular readers can probably guess where my head is atthe moment. (Come on, I've been pretty good about the sports stufflately. And it's Friday. Indulge me, OK?)
Anyway, as I often dowhile watching baseball — especially during a blowout — I startedpondering what sort of intro music I would choose if I were a proballplayer striding to the plate. As with many sports-relatedcontrivances (cheerleaders, announcers, etc.) I really think that intromusic should be incorporated into more facets of everyday life.(Although, the trend of introducing newlyweds at wedding receptions viamusic has gone too far. In the last two years I have been to two suchreceptions that left me cringing. At the first, the bride and groomwere introduced to the theme music from Kill Bill. The second? An electric piano version of "A Whole New World" from The Little Mermaid. I wish I was kidding.)
Youcan tell a lot about a person based on what sort of music they chooseas an introduction. The best is undoubtedly Yanks' closer MarianoRivera, who enters every game to the bruising strains of Metallica's "Enter Sandman." Even as a Sox fan, I have to acknowledge the consummate bad ass-itude in that, mostly because Rivera is a consummate bad ass. If you ever see it in person, you'll get chills. Trust me.
Theworst might be an Atlanta Braves player (whose name escapes me at themoment) who approaches to the plate to — and I'm not making this up —"Your Love" by The Outfield. Still, despite the thorough wussiness of that choice, it is kinda funny.
Personally, I tend to vacillate between a few different tunes. And I think they would work in most any situation, not just on the diamond. They are:
1. "The Imperial March" from Star Wars. Probably the most iconic intro music ever written.
2. "Loser" by Beck. Sort of a reverse psychology strategy here. Plus, I love that tune.
3. "The Price is Right" theme song. "Dan Bolles … come on down!"
4.The theme song from "Beverly Hills 90210." OK, this isn't my idea. Iheard it mentioned on an ESPN podcast recently. But that song might bethe single funniest way to enter a serious moment ever. Think about itfor a minute. (World Series Game 7. Two outs. Bottom of the ninth. Tiescore. And then … admit it, that's funny.)
I could go on withthis all day and night (and on certain occasions I have, believe me).But we're all busy people, right? So I put it to you, folks. If youcould, what would be your signature intro tune? Again, it doesn't haveto be a sports thing. What song would announce your presence at, say,the bank? Or work? Or the VD clinic? The floor is yours.
And while you think about that, here is the greatest pitch ever thrown (this is freakin' amazing):