by Dan Bolles
I can't decide if this is ridiculously awesome or just plain ridiculous, but Hard Rock Cafe — which is basically to music what Hooter's is to, um, food — is unveiling an amusement park this spring, featuring a slew of rock 'n' roll themed rides and other assorted attractions aimed at separating fanny pack-clad morons from their money. I'm guessing they're going after the growing demographic of folks who get their jollies watching fast cars turn left. But I could be wrong.
Based in Myrtle Beach, Hard Rock Park — clever, no? — will open in June with a geezer rock extravaganza of epically lame proportions. Headlining the two-night concert: The Moody Blues and The Eagles. Gag me with a pitchfork, run me over with a rolling stone and spin my head 'till my vertebrae snap. I believe I have a new definition of hell.
However, as with any theme park, the real story is the rides. I have to admit, I am a sucker for roller coasters and "Led Zepplin: The Ride" sounds freakin' great. But I wonder if the ride simulates driving a Rolls Royce into a swimming pool? And if you throw up, are you supposed to choke on it to get the full experience? So many questions.
Oh, and speaking of The Moody Blues, "Nights in White Satin: The Trip" basically looks like "It's A Small World" for middle-aged folks with flashback issues. Actually, that one sounds kinda fun.
There's also something called "The Magic Mushroom Garden," which, I kid you not, is aimed at toddlers. Nice.
Since it's Friday afternoon and I have nothing else to do at the moment, I thought I'd offer some suggestions for rides and attractions I'd like to see, should I ever find myself in that part of the world, which I can almost guarantee I won't. Feel free to add suggestions of your own!
The Amy Wine-house
This is basically just a bar, and given the likely clientele, probably wouldn't even serve wine. Unless they ran out of High Life and prescription medicine, of course.
The Great White Light Show
Jeff Buckley's Ragin' River
Britney Spears Day Care Center
For cracked out moms on the go.
George Micheal's House of Wax
Just don't use the restroom.
Aerosmith's Love in an Elevator
Think Disney's "Tower of Terror," only, you know, really crappy.
Aha's "Take On Me" Fun House
Actually, this one would be pretty sweet.
R. Kelly's Wild Ride
You must not be at least this tall to get on this ride.
The Hall of The Presidents of the United States of America
One hit wonder showcase. By the way, what the hell ever happened to those guys?
Man, I need a hobby.
Have a great weekend, Solid State!