Dear Athena,

My boyfriend sucks at oral sex. He says he loves going down on me, but he is so bad at it, and I don't have the heart to tell him. I really like him, but I dread going to bed with him. I end up rushing to the sex part, and sometimes I'm not really ready, so the sex is unsatisfying. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings? How can I make him better?

Sincerely

Orally Frustrated

Dear Orally Frustrated,

People are weird. We are so picky about what we eat and drink, and the style of our home, clothes and car, but, when it comes to sex, we can't seem to ask for what we like. If you were craving a chocolate cupcake with vanilla buttercream frosting and the bakery only had carrot cake, which you despise, would you get it anyway? No! Other than worrying about hurting this guy's feelings, what's the difference, really? Ask yourself, why are you uncomfortable specifying what you want?

I'm all for honesty. If your guy can't handle you telling him how you like your sex, then perhaps he isn't the right guy for you. But right now you're being both dishonest and unfair by not even telling him! Who the hell is going to advocate for you if not you? As always, honesty is the best policy. Continuing to hold back will put your relationship on a false foundation.

All that said, do talk with him in a nonthreatening and sensitive way. This guy loves to pleasure you and seems enthusiastic about oral sex. Don't discourage him! Find an opportunity when you're not in bed to tell him you've been thinking about sex. He'll perk up and listen, I'm sure. Tell him you enjoy being with him physically but would like it even more if ... (fill in the blank). Suggest experimenting next time — which is likely to be soon.

While you're at it, invite him to tell you what he likes, too, and how you can improve on your techniques, oral or otherwise. Then, next time you're in bed and he starts to head south, give him gentle guidance — but don't hold back. Remember, he likes you and wants to make you feel good. And you can return the favor!

Make it playful. Have fun! Life is too short to bother with bad sex.

Yours,

Athena