Dear Athena,

I have not had sex in almost seven years. Now that I'm officially single again, I'm interested in getting back in the game. However, there seems to be a renewed interest in men getting blow jobs. I hate giving blow jobs. I have probably given three in my entire life, and they were not enjoyable for me or for the person getting it — because I didn't want to do it, didn't really know how, etc. Previous partners have understood that I don't like to give oral and, in return, I don't expect oral (or even care that much about "receiving"). Now it seems that if I don't give oral, I can forget about sex, period. What gives? Am I really that out of touch? I think that if I were a guy, I would not want anyone's teeth that close to my anatomy.

Signed,

Blowjobphobia

Dear Blowjobphobia,

I'm a bit confused about the circumstances from which you're reentering "the game." Seven years is a long time not to have any sex, especially if you were in a relationship. Were you and your partner celibate? Regardless, I'm glad to hear you're ready for some action, so let's put your past aside and get to the current issue: blow jobs.

I don't think good old-fashioned blow jobs are a hot new trend. Some men may appreciate them more than others, but pretty much any dude wouldn't pass one up. But that doesn't mean you're expected to give them. Sex is personal, and you should only do what you're comfortable with. If a guy refuses to have sex unless he gets a BJ, kick him to the curb! Not all men are like that. Try a new kind of guy.

And while you're making changes, I encourage you to reflect on your blow-job stance. Why do you "hate" them? Did you have a bad experience? What went wrong? Do you have a nasty gag reflex? Figuring out what bothers you may help you overcome your distaste for the act.

Should you decide to try it again, here are a few suggestions:

• Be up-front. Talk to the guy. Tell him your reservations. If you're worried about your technique, ask him for gentle pointers. Find out how he feels about returning the favor. You said you didn't care about "receiving," but maybe you haven't had a good experience there, either. I urge you to try it again. When it's good, it's really, really good.
• Get comfortable. If you're straining your neck or kneeling on a hard floor, of course you won't have a good time. If the taste grosses you out, down a spoonful of honey first. Is it the smell? Then start in the shower, or even ask him to bathe first. And never feel like you have to swallow. That's up to you!
• Remember, you're in control. Many women are turned off by blow jobs because they feel submissive. You're usually on your knees, after all. But, really, you're the one in command. Enjoy it. It can be empowering and fun.

If you try again and still don't like it, that's OK. The right partner will understand and respect your boundaries. Give it time, and you're bound to meet him.

Yours,

Athena